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Personal Statement — Draft 1
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My name is Johnathan and I am a very good leader.Opening · Too DeclarativeAdmissions officers read thousands of essays. Starting with your name and a self-assessment gives them no reason to keep reading. Drop this — start with a scene. I have done a lot of leadership things in my life but this one is the best one. Leadership is very important and I think everyone should be a leader.Voice · Generic ClaimAvoid stating universal values — show what leadership means through what you specifically did and felt. Any applicant could write this sentence. I am going to tell you about the time I was a leader.Structure · Roadmap SentenceNever announce what you're about to do. Just do it. This signals to the reader that nothing interesting has happened yet.
I go to a martial arts gym. Martial arts is when you fight people.Voice · Unnecessary DefinitionYou don't need to define martial arts. This makes you sound uncertain. Trust your reader — and if they don't know the term, the story will teach them. One day I saw some families leave the gym. They left because it was expensive.Detail · Strong ObservationThis is the best moment in the draft — specific and visual. The improved version builds the whole essay around this. Develop it more: what did the kids' faces look like? What did you feel? I felt bad for them. This made me want to do something. I am a very caring person who cares about others.Voice · Telling Not ShowingThis is the weakest sentence in the draft. Telling the reader you're caring is the opposite of demonstrating it. The families leaving is your proof — let that moment speak for itself.
I decided to start a free program for kids who could not afford the lessons. I talked to the gym owner and wrote a proposal. He said yes. I organized everything and made a schedule. Now we have class every Sunday and kids come to learn. I feel proud of what I did and I think I made a difference.Closing · Tells Instead of ShowsEnding with how proud you feel puts the focus on you rather than the impact. Close with a specific moment — a kid landing their first technique, a parent saying thank you — that makes the reader feel what you felt.
Personal Statement — Draft 2
After one coaching session.
I started noticing something at my martial arts gym long before I ever thought about teaching. Families would walk in, ask about enrollment, hear the price, and quietly leave. The kids always looked back at the mats before following their parents out.Hook · Cinematic OpeningThis is your essay's strongest moment. The image of kids looking back at the mats is specific, visual, and quietly devastating — exactly the kind of detail admissions readers remember long after they close the file. Seeing that happen over and over made me realize how many students never got the chance to practice martial arts because of the cost.
The thought stayed with me because I knew what the training had done for me. When I was younger, I struggled with confidence and rarely spoke up. Practicing Jiu-Jitsu for the last eight years changed that for me.Voice · Earned VulnerabilityShowing real struggle before showing growth is the right move. This gives genuine weight to everything that follows — the reader now understands exactly why this program matters to you personally.
I approached Professor Jackson and asked if I could run a free class on Sunday afternoons.
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Personal Statement
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I have always been passionate about science.
The frog did not survive my first dissection. I went back the next day anyway.
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